February 1, 2023


If you can hear the jeffy top in the background please just pretend that you can’t because it good afternoon and welcome to today’s video if you are new here my name is lauren and if you are not welcome back to another video as always i just want to say that the lighting may be a bit temperamental in this video i am using natural light just because i like these

Videos to just be chill natural as unscripted as possible it is going to be going dark in about an hour’s time it has been three months since i did my last a metaphobic update but there’s a lot more things to update in this video so if you clicked on this video for the citalopram update i will put a timestamp add it in the description on the screen just so you can

Skip the rest if you solely want to know about this teleprompt and about my side effects and how it’s like helped me there will be like a full section on that i have made some notes on my phone but i am just going to like speak as freely as possible just because i just feel like this is like a chat between me and my fellow sufferers family members friends like

Anyone that cares about how i’m doing really yeah if you want to know how i’ve been getting on since august then stick around and don’t forget to hit the subscribe button down below and the thumbs up if you enjoy this video even though we are going to be talking about some sad things since the last video there’s definitely been four big changes that i’m gonna talk

About i’m gonna go off on a tangent because that is what i do best but the four main things that i need to speak about on this video is moving out starting university says halapram and finishing the course of treatment that i was doing um had a bit of a brain man function there but i am going to start with moving out and starting university just because it’s

A good starting place i remember saying in the last video that it was exactly a month before i was due to move into this flat and as you can tell i am still here i did not give up i did not move back home like i did with bath it was a lot easier than bath obviously because of like distance and stuff but this place i absolutely love it i genuinely have on heart

Love this flat so much if we go back to move and die i had a migraine on move-in day so it felt like a disaster from the very start to be honest the whole of movement day i was like oh my god do it i’ve got a headache it was just a bit of a i don’t need the words for it the first night i didn’t really sleep and i spent most of the first night thinking to myself

Like okay ring mom go home give up just live at home get the bus to uni every day but i was like no i’m gonna stay on the ground i’ve honestly loved living in this flat like i know that i was ready to have my own space there obviously have been moments where i have thought like oh my god get me home the biggest thing again is cooking i still haven’t used my oven

I’ve used the hob but i don’t trust the actual oven i don’t think it’s clean enough we have cleaned it several times but i just don’t trust it so i’ve never cooked in my oven only the hob i also don’t trust my fridge which when i’ve spoken to some other amatophobes they’ve said the same thing when they moved into student accommodation or like their own flattened

Stuff they’ve not been able to drink the tap water which i don’t really drink tap water in my family home either but i’ve really struggled with tap water if i buy like dairy things for example like i’ll only eat it the day that i buy it i won’t leave it overnight in the fridge or anything just because i’m scared getting sick i don’t trust that the fridge stays on

Overnight i don’t know the logic i did speak to my therapist about this he was like basically shocked that someone could have trust issues with a fridge and we made like a whole joke about it but generally i don’t trust that fridge being three months and still won’t eat cheese that’s been in my fridge for more than two hours so but obviously i did move out for a

Reason and that was university so i’m gonna move on to like the university side of things now i knew from the get-go before i even got my timetable like uni was going to be one of the hardest things i’ve done in a very long time the thought of like having to sit in a lecture or a classroom or anything like that i was like that is gonna take it out to me so much

And i just didn’t know how i’d be with it when i got my university timetable i was very apprehensive to go in the first place because normal universities seem to have a timetable where people are in for like an hour two hours a day about two days a week but my timetable was nine till half five most days so obviously going from doing nothing and being too scared

To do everything to going into a nine to five basically what feels like a job was a huge shift and it’s something that i’m still very much struggling with i haven’t dropped out i have sometimes sat there and being like yeah i can’t do this and i’ve tried to not let it affect my attendance and stuff which some days it has because i’ve woken up and being like yeah

I can’t do that like it’s just taking it out to me so much and i’ve been so busy with uni and outside of uni as well like i just feel like i haven’t had time to like sit and think and stop which is a good thing to some extent because i don’t have time to think and let intrusive thoughts win i guess it’s just like a lot for me sometimes i have been sat in lectures

And i’m sat in that class and being like i need to get out i need to get out i need to get out but what i’ll go on to later when i talk about my medication is that i don’t think i can reach a panic attack level which has its pros and cons and i’ll go into that later i have definitely done myself proud but i do absolutely love university i don’t plan on dropping out

I know that i want to be there i love everyone on my course and i have told the university about it like it’s on my like student central record that i have this problem they don’t really know much about it but it’s on the form if they ever want to ask me about it and stuff however the biggest issue i’ve had with university is balancing food with uni just because i

Struggle to eat in general but i really really sure to eat when i know that i’ve got to be somewhere and obviously being in uni like nine to five it’s not ideal to go all of that time most days of the week without eating so for the first month or so in uni i didn’t have lunch and then i’d struggle to have tea as well just because i’d know that nine o’clock the next

Morning i’d have to be in uni again the first month or so in uni i’d just take a belvita bar every day because i’m also scared of being light-headed because that makes you feel dizzy and then in turn can make you feel nauseous as a music student on a performance course you do need to have energy because you are performing and i didn’t really want to pass out this

Performance so i was taking bellevue to bars and lucas every day and then people knowing me way but people started to make a joke like wherever i go there is a bellevue depart and stuff which is true they became one of my safe foods it was one lunchtime about two weeks ago and i just got this age to be daring i sometimes get in them reckless moods and then regret

It like half an hour later but i was sat there and i was like you know what i’m gonna actually get a greg’s for lunch and i hadn’t had greg’s for a really long time or if i get greg’s there’s only one thing i get and that is the ham and cheese baguette and i take the ham off and then regret getting it because the cheese might have been cold enough i was sat there

This one lunch time and i was like you know what i’m really wanting a greg’s pizza and i at the greg’s pizza knowing that i had like four i was left in university which was a huge thing for me and mia was proud of me and i was proud of me and my mum was also proud to me i messaged my mum and i was like i just had lunch for the first time in uni and she started crying

With food i’ve mentioned it so many times before i struggle to eat out just because i don’t know who’s touching my food like i don’t know if the ingredients for that food was stored properly the fact i’ve now been trying to eat lunch most days in uni if i can is huge and i am so proud of myself for that and also if you follow me on my socials you’ll see that i’ve

Been doing a lot more socializing and a lot more gigs and stuff that was another thing i was really dreading i’ve definitely done a lot better i still definitely need to work on juggling foods with that now this is something that really upsets me but basically my nan’s roosts have always been my favorite meal like since i was little and for about a year i haven’t

Been able to eat a roast with my nan it just really upsets me because i know that my nan is not going to poison me i know she’s a good cook growing up my nan cooked for me pretty much every day after school when my mum was in work and i never once got food poisoning from it so i don’t know why all of a sudden not all of a sudden but gradually it became too much

For me to eat at my nun’s house but every week we go around to my nan’s on a friday for tea we always have and my mum and dad will eat a roost and i’ll just sit there and be like i wish i could so last week for the first time in nearly a year i started to reintroduce my hands raised back into my diet so i started off with just having like a roast potato and then

I had some carrots and a little bit of meat and i’m just gradually getting back on the bandwagon with that which i think made my nan happy as well every week we go and she’ll be like sure didn’t want anything and i was like no it’s fine like i didn’t want anything to eat and she was like i went poison yeah like it’s all in date and stuff and i’m like i know i

Just love my nan so i’m now going to move on from food because i’ve been talking about it for what feels like 10 years and i’m going to move on to therapy treatment and citalopram i was about a month into therapy i think when i last did a video it might have been like two or three months into therapy actually but i have actually finished that round of treatment

We pretty much went through everything that we could and every session we just felt like we were going over the same thing we decided that because i’d started the medication that we were going to like call it quits on the sessions and if i ever needed any more in the future i could get back which was a bit scary to be honest because i definitely wasn’t cured i

Wasn’t recovered and i was like a bit disheartened i guess i didn’t really feel like therapy should have been over for me because i was still in a very bad place when we did that last session and i was kind of just left to my own devices but i feel like it was also a good time and because i was just starting uni and i’ve been given all of these like techniques

To try out but i hadn’t really been doing anything that daring and that out there to put them into practice so i feel like quitting therapy not quitting therapy because i didn’t choose to quit like the sessions ended going to uni and socializing more i was able to put them into practice and stuff in real life situations rather than just like in my bedroom i’ve

Definitely got a lot more brave with a lot of things thanks to therapy like i’m definitely in a better place because of it not cured probably will need therapy in a few years because i still don’t want to carry on a life like this i’d still like to get better but i’m definitely in a much better place like i know that for a fact everyone knows that i’m really glad

We did go through with more therapy even though i was really apprehensive because i’ve done it so many times before but another reason the therapy ended was because i just started citarlopram i’ve mentioned in so many videos before that for years i was absolutely terrified to start medication i hated the idea of it so much the idea of putting this chemical in my

Body and not knowing what it was going to do to me whether i was going to be sick from the side effects like whether it was going to send me weird in the head i just didn’t know and i know that there’s a lot of mixed emotions and mixed opinions when it comes to medications which i definitely noticed when i posted my first week on satalapram vlog there was a lot

Of interesting comments on that video i was never against them because i thought they were like bad or wrong i was just absolutely terrified of them but i was at the point where i was like i don’t know what else to do like i’ve tried everything and i never wanted to talk about this in a video just because i don’t ever like to bring it to light just because it is

One of my biggest insecurities and i don’t think people even notice it so don’t know why i’m so insecure about it i’m just gonna get into it even though i don’t want to talk about it i have this tick in my throat like i’ve always had it i’ve always had a nervous cough i’ve always had this like thing that i do in my throat it’s really hard to explain and i spoke to

Doctors about it i’ve spoken to psychiatrists therapists and they’ve all said that it’s not noticeable but they kind of understand what i want about but they also don’t at the same time but i always used to have it when i was younger like we’d be on holiday it was only ever when i was nervous for something or i was in like a scary situation and it was nothing that

Bothered me but in the summer when like my anxiety had been really bad my take got so much weird so i did notice that it was an anxiety tick and it wasn’t anything like physiological and everyone i spoke to in like the professional industry was like you need to try meds if you want to stop this tick because it’s obviously a symptom of anxiety and all the techniques

Should be doing with anxiety haven’t helped the tick but the tic did get to the point where if i did socialize and left the house for too long when i get home i couldn’t speak because my throat would just be like taken it’s really awkward to speak about because people don’t notice it until i point out and i feel like everyone’s gonna notice it now after i’ve

Spoken about it in this video my mum saw how like upset it’d make me because i couldn’t speak a sentence because like my throat would get in the way a lot of the time like when i’m like sat one time with people like i’ll sit like that see people don’t see my throat moving but when i first started the medication the tick did subside a little bit it was still

Definitely there but it was also not as like angry if if that’s the right word but i don’t know i’ve just got used to the medication but it’s definitely like getting worse again and i’m like oh my god please don’t i am really embarrassed by it i wasn’t even going to talk about the taking this video i didn’t have any notes on my take but i’m going to go into depth

About satellite from now so if you clicked on this video to hear about satellite probe you have reached your destination because i’m going to talk about that section of the video now i’m going to start off with like the bad side effects that i’ve had i’m gonna say bad side effect it’s not enough to like scare anyone off or scare myself like they’re not that bad

But they are not exactly good side effects either if that makes sense so the main one that i’ve noticed is like change in emotion i was always such an emotional person i was on the edge of being an unstable person to be honest because i would cry at everything i tear up with the most stupid things like several times a day however now after three months on total

Pram i’m the complete opposite and i noticed that side effects within the first week which i did mention in my first week on to telephone vlog which i’ll link in the icard above i noticed that i wasn’t crying at things that i would usually cry out and i wasn’t that concerned at the start because i was like oh like i’ve heard it’s quite a common side effect and

That it like goes away three months later it still hasn’t like i’ve hardly cried like i’ve gone from crying several times a day to crying about three times in three months like it’s mad it’s kind of like hard to let emotion out as well like when i said earlier in the video that i haven’t been able to reach full-blown panic attack level and i was like there’s pros

And cons with that like it’s great because i’ve got more confidence to go out i know that i’m not gonna have a full-blown meltdown but i also still get the emotions that lead up to the panic attack but then i kind of feel stuck because i have all this like panic and emotion building up but i know that i don’t have a way of letting it out so i just have to kind of

Sit there and sometimes i still have to like take myself out of the situation because i’m sat there and i’m like my head feels like it’s about to roll off my body like it’s that heavy there was one instance where i ended up having to get mia and went and sat outside for a bit because i was like i just can’t be in my band room because i need to have a panic attack

Like i need that outlet but i can’t cry i can’t go into panic attack i’ve just got to sit there with all of this like stuff going on in my brain do you know when you just want to have like a big fat cry but you can’t there’s two side effects right and i don’t know if they’re to do with satala pram when i spoke to the doctors about them they said it probably is but

I also have side effects that i have from america that have nothing to do with the medication so i’ve noticed a lot of hair loss like i have a lot of hair on my head which i’m glad about because if i didn’t have a lot of hair on my head i think i’d be like near and bold and like i was concerned about it but not that concerned and then i told my mom and showed my

Mom how much was actually coming out and she was like that’s not really normal and i was like oh god okay and also bruising i bruise like a peach so i don’t know that’s a side effect of the medication doctors have said that it could be however i did go for blood tests and it came back that i am not anemic but i’m lacking the protein that let me wear this properly

I’m lacking the protein that stores the iron so my body’s not making enough iron because there’s nowhere to store it because i’m lacking the protein that stores it if that makes sense as i was too scared to take this total pram i’m now back in that situation where i’ve got another medication that i’m too scared to take so i don’t know what i’m going to do about

That they are the bad side effects i think they’re all the bad side effects that i’ve got i thought i’d delete all my nuts and that nearly made me cry as i said there’s not many bad ones like sometimes i feel a bit out of it sometimes i feel a bit strange but that also could be just anxiety i’m still very much an anxious person but i just can’t have a panic attack

Best thing that’s come out of this medication i’d say is the sleep like my sleep has got so much better i’m falling asleep not really really fast but like i’m able to fall asleep without tossing a 10 of hours every night so my starting dose was 10 milligrams and i thought i’d be on that for two weeks but then i spoke to my was it the gp i spoke to i think it was a

Gp that i spoke to and she was like no it’s too early to like up your dose and stuff so i waited a little bit and spoke to my psychiatrist and then he gave me the okay last week or the week before so i was on 10 milligrams for about two months and then i’ve now gone up well i haven’t fully gone up to 20 milligrams yet i’ve like gradually been going up but i have

Already noticed that it’s messed with my sleep again and that i’ve been a bit more anxious so i’m glad i didn’t jump from 10 to 20 because i’ve heard from other people that they really felt like the jolt in side effects again i am overall so happy that i started to teleprom like i was so apprehensive about it i was terrified of it for years but i’m just so glad

That i did because i didn’t think i could be in my flat right now or be going to uni every day or socializing or anything like that if i wasn’t on this medication so that was probably the biggest step i’ve ever taken in recovery i have definitely noticed that physical anxiety symptoms have subsided a little bit so i can do more but the intrusive thoughts and actual

Metaphobia like the fear is still as bad as it ever was me and stephen went to manchester to see some fender and that day i was too scared to eat just because i hadn’t been that far away from my house since bath it was it was gonna be a bit of an interesting day but my brain would not let me leave the flat unless i took a bag with me on the train like a plastic bag

In case i was sick like i there was a new way i was getting on that train if i didn’t have a sick bag the thought of having a sick bag in my bag also terrified me because that made it feel like i was going to be sick but my room was like you have to take one though because what if you are and you’ve got nowhere to be sick so i ended up taking bin bags on the train

With me to manchester and me and steven did just laugh about it to be honest with my phone i was like oh my god there’s a sick bag in my bag i’m gonna be sick so i did take my little survival kit i took my lucas aids my ginger biscuits my pringles just to keep my sugar off but when we were going through like the searches to get into some fender it all got taken

Off me and i was like oh i understood why they took it off me for like health and safety reasons but i was like if only you knew but a few other intrusive thoughts like on a daily basis that i get just so like just thinking anyone else gets these and feels a bit alone with them i feel like these might be quite common in the metaphor community so some other ones

I get or when i go to tesco and buy a meal deal i will like search for the meal deal see which one looks to say first they all look the same in my brain something clicks and it’s like yeah that’s the safest one i sometimes get home and i’ll go to eat my tesco meal deal and then my brain will be like wait that packet was open wasn’t it it wasn’t open but my brain

Will be like well what if that packet was open like did you check that it was like completely sealed or what if the fridge in tesco was broken and the same when it goes to greg’s like i went to greg’s super day and got ham and cheese baguette and it didn’t feel as cold as it usually does according to my brain so i was really paranoid after eating that i remember

A few weeks ago i’d cooked pasta for tea safest foods ever and i had to cook four batches of pasta until one felt safe but i definitely do think emetophobia is turning into ocd and i’m not self-diagnosing i’m not saying that at all but it’s getting a lot more intrusive than it used to be so next time i speak to my psychiatrist i think i am going to bring that up

And just be like i don’t think this is just a metaphorical anymore because i’ve done loads of emetophobia treatments and nothing’s really done anything like my generalized anxiety has definitely got a lot better onto telephone and stuff but emetophobia is as apparent as ever which is something i’ll obviously talk about in my next video and i’ve been talking for

Absolutely ages i’m quite surprised that the lighting still looks alright because it is pitch black outside i don’t know why the lighting actually looks better than it was when i started the video but i’m gonna round the video up now just because i think i’ve touched on everything i needed to as always i hope this resonated with somebody i hope you’re all doing okay

And if you are struggling with the metaphobia just know i am so proud if you’re struggling with your brain in any aspect of life i’m so proud because it’s just not understood how bloody hard it is you’re doing actually amazing and i hope life treats you well sometimes because life is starting to treat me better but it’s just metaphobia that’s still like getting

In on that and trying to ruin it all and we aren’t going to let that happen because we are stronger than our brains i hope you enjoyed this video and i hope you’re all doing well don’t forget to give this a thumbs up and hit the subscribe button down below if you’d like to see more overall i am doing much better than i have been doing and i just love you all so

Much so thank you for being here and i shall hopefully see you in my next video

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