November 29, 2022

I was able to find my medication and dosages.

Hello i haven’t made a video in a while so this is just gonna be an update there is not going to be a description of the medication i’m on right now because they don’t have the paperwork with me at the moment i left it at work for some reason or in my car i’m not sure it doesn’t matter but i just got out of the psychiatric of a psychiatric hospital about one to two

Days ago i’ll try to tell you what medication i’m on even though i don’t have it with me they changed my antidepressant and i’m now on i keep on thinking affleck’s but it’s a effects or there it goes i’m on effects or on a very high milligram dosage i take that in the morning with a boost bar and a klonopin they’re pretty high dosages and in that you in midday i take

Another klonopin with abby’s bar and at night i take safra’s which is as sublingual you put it under your italian it dissolves and it’s form basically made disorders types of things like that and another kallana bin and loose bark they’ve upped all my dosages and the reason i went into the psychic psychiatric facility was because of i was having vivid intrusive

Thoughts of me lying down on the kitchen floor with my wristlet open bleeding out and dying and then having my friends and family coming inside and seeing me dying and me being able to do nothing about it and just dying out on them while they watch me die i was committed they say voluntarily but if you do leave ama than they do let the cops know because you are

Basically suicidal and it’s they can’t legally not tell anybody i think this last day that i did was a lot helpful than my first granted they’re doing it’s mostly for stabilization getting you to a place where you can live outside again however this time i’m doing something called the ppe program which is a partial hospitalization program you can look it up maybe

I said it wrong but i know the first part is partial hospitalization and it’s intensive therapy in terms of group therapy in which they basically rip you to shreds and bring out things that you don’t want to bring out that you never even thought you had buried inside of you and i’ve only had one day of that and it was intense so i’m gonna have to be doing that for

About the next two weeks thankfully my boss and my job is working with me and they’re gonna allow me to work at least like ten to twelve hours on the weekend and come in after hours during the week hopefully i can keep that schedule but i’m it’s my first time trying to do something like that so i know it’s going to be difficult i’m moving out of the house and i’m

Currently and that i’ve currently been in for two years i’ve been living with my best friend for two years of a new room i’m moving out because i think it’s something that i need to do in order to get healthy i need to learn what it means to be independent again and do things on my own and take care of myself i still have to text my support group which which is

Just my people who you trust in order to they’re basically like sponsors and people who are addicts know what that means i have to text them every time i take my medication if i’m gonna have a drink like during lunch have to text them and let them know if i’m feeling any type of suicidal thoughts or harming others or harming anybody or things or animals i have

To text them immediately i have to i’m basically on a suicide watch without someone physically here and if you’ve ever been on suicide watch you know they don’t let you go anywhere without somebody with you the place i was at was more the people i was in the unit with was most of them were there for chemical dependency very few of them were in for suicidal and

Depression will severe depression that and more an addict so they didn’t have to go to the chemical dependency classes and in a way nutty did i however when i did go to the chemical dependency classes there were maybe one or two things that i took away from it that helped me and i’ve decided to do the 12 steps alcohol i am not an addict i’m not an alcoholic i’m

Not any of these things and but if you read the red book which they gift for free basically it’s said that it can help anybody so i’m going to work the 12 steps and as they tell you an a a you start with step one you complete step one no matter how long it takes and then from then you go to step two and then so on until and you can’t go from step one and then go

To step 12 which is about a spiritual awakening being able to realize that you’re not in control and i believe that these steps will help me in controlling what is unmanageable which is part of the twelve steps the first step is i’m saying that you are a slave to alcohol and your life has become unmanageable by yourself i’m going to be using it as my my disorders

My disorders have become unmanageable and i have to admit that and i have to figure out what that means to me and i have to come up and come up with many goals and work these goals and the only way i’m going to get better is by working these support groups and by fully committing myself and sharing i’m not a very sharing person youtube is the only place that i do

Share but now i’m actually sharing with other people and getting feedback and i have some much to live for but my disorders sometimes don’t let me remember that they don’t let me remember that there are things to live for moving out and is something that i need to do immediately that’s gonna be very difficult for me because well it won’t be too difficult for me

Because i’ve been a a chronic nomad for most of my life i i stay at an apartment for about maybe twelve months eight to twelve months and then i’ll move to another one and then i’ll move to a townhome and then i’ll move to or in a house or something like that this is the longest i’ve stayed in one place since i’ve started living on my own and i know it’s gonna be

Difficult i know it’s gonna be hard but um one of the things that you’re tottered that obstacles come into your life and you aren’t in control with them and you have to learn how to navigate them you have to learn how to not just sidestep them but acknowledge them and and figure out a way to to deal with them in a healthy manner and that’s another thing i have

To figure out what helping means to me it’s another thing i have to write down and something i’ve barely started i used to journal when i was younger but i would only get about four pages in and then never touch the book again but recently i’ve been journaling non-stop e and it has been helping even if the only things i write down are i’m trash i’m a monster

I’m worthless later on when you look back on those things you think why the hell was i thinking these thoughts where did they come from and you start to have self realization about who you are and what you are this disorder i have is going to be something that i’m gonna have the rest of my life and i’m it’s an obstacle and it’s something i have to not fight it’s

Something i have to accept that is a part of me and now i have to learn how to live with it in a healthy manner not in a number a not isolating myself not not pushing people away not focusing on myself i have to be open to criticism i have to be open to being told that the way you’re thinking is not healthy and being told that by someone you’ve just met even though

They’re a therapist and and they’ve been doing this this is their profession it’s hard to take i mean i have the thought process of who the hell are you to tell me what to think and what to feel how the hell are you and you don’t know all of my backstory you don’t know all the things that i’ve done or been through you don’t know what’s going through my head but in

The end they are coming from a sigh they are coming from the side of healthy living and if they’re telling you something that is going against your thought process and your thought process is more likely not healthy but again you have to go to people you trust you have to go you have to shop around basically and find some that’s working with you someone who cares

About you someone who wants to help you someone who doesn’t want to control you someone who isn’t just there to get a paycheck and unfortunately there are tons of people out there who are that way i don’t want to live on medication the rest of my life i want to be able to get to the point where i can live my life without medication but and that’s more likely not

Going to be my case but downing my dosages cutting out some of my medication that i don’t need being able to deal with life by myself is a goal of mine and i’m gonna have to do a lot of self realization in order to get there and that’s my story for today that’s my thoughts and my goals for the day earlier i’m on friday this last friday i was living 30 seconds to

30 seconds and when people tell you live day by day i wasn’t living day by day i was living 30 seconds at a time 30 seconds at a time right now on sun on saturday which is just the day off i can tell you that i’m living eight hours a day i am living eight hours a day eight hours a day eight hours a day as long as i can make it eight hours i can make it the next

Eight hours but i only have to focus on the right now i can’t dwell in the past i can’t and you’re not supposed to forget the past but you cannot dwell and dwell in the past and the past is something that me that also needs to be dealt with things that i didn’t even think were issues in my life i’m finding out art issues and i’m about to go to sleep right now and

I’m going to try to get back up early and go to work and try to my day and live my life so goodbye and not in a bad way i’m saying goodbye for the night i hope these videos can help someone who’s recovering or at the beginnings of recovery or wanting to get help or anybody who just wants to listen to somebody else’s story i hope even if you’re taking this in a

Negative way you’re still listening and i appreciate that and i’m thankful for that and i’m saying goodnight for the night goodbye and thank you for hearing me

Transcribed from video
Effexor 150mg; Buspar 10mg x 3; Klonopin 1mg x 3; Saphris ?Mg By Stupid Shiter