June 1, 2023

In March 2022, I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. On the first of July, I was given methylphenidate to help and I recorded this series of videos.

First thing in the morning on friday the 1st of july and i finally have the metal fender date that i was supposed to take so this will be my first dose ever it’s a weird little brown thing so let’s see what it does well it’s day two and i’ve just taken my second dose um if there are any negative side effects that have been having they’ve been kind of masked

By the caffeine withdrawal and the caffeine withdrawal is hitting very hard um i’ve had to just i just gave up caffeine entirely yesterday morning and i kind of forgot what that does to me so i’m suffering a little bit with that in terms of how the drugs affect me i actually feel really really calm i spent the whole of yesterday thinking there’s something

Missing what what’s missing something’s not quite coming together here um and i realize what it is it’s the massive anxiety that i’ve had it’s the many many thoughts in my head suddenly my head’s quiet and i’m not worried about things there’s a bit of a disconnect between things so on one hand you know there’s a disconnect between here’s a thing that i could do

You know here’s my ear and that’s not any more that’s not connected anymore to i should do this thing so you know one of the problems i have is impulsivity and i’ll go i want to do this oh i’ve already done it i’m going to do this i’ve already done it and now it’s i want to do this okay do this yeah i could do this you know and it’s just there’s a there’s a

Break between the two there’s a break that lets me think this is a good idea is this not a good idea maybe so yeah i’m i’m actually feeling more in control of myself the only problem with this is there’s also disconnect between other things so things like i found that i put something down and walk into another room and when i think about that thing i think oh

It’s in the other room and somehow you know the old me would have gone oh i’ve left in the other room and would have gone back for it and the new me is just it’s in the other room oh i can’t do i can’t use it then i can’t drink this drink i can’t you know so that’s a bit weird i don’t know that’s just me and the other thing is food i don’t know why i’m just

Not hungry just not really interested in eating i mean something don’t warn me about but it’s really really strange that i think it’s one of those disconnect things where one week ago if i’d left my breakfast in the other room i would have gone back for it and and today it was i forgot to get breakfast i don’t want breakfast yeah yesterday i i you know i take

I’m supposed to take these pills with or without food doesn’t matter which way but i found that i ate a couple of things just so i could take them and then got distracted and when i came back i just kept seeing food and not really finishing see it took me an hour and a half to eat breakfast just because i got distracted halfway through and and actually getting

Around to finishing it was very difficult for me um yeah i was expecting this to be a short update but that’s been my experience so far i’m just i feel like i’m a different person i just no i’m not it’s really weird um i i i can tell there’s something different but i can’t always put my finger on what it is so i feel so different the world feels so different

To me um i’ll get used to this i know i’ll get used to this and i think it’s an improvement it’s just really really weird and if this is me on 18 milligrams then you know next week i’m going to go up to 36 and will be effectively more profound will be side effects that i can finally pick up will i be more aware of what’s going on or will i be completely spaced

Out um so everything feels a bit strange i also didn’t notice when they wore off i don’t know whether that’s a normal thing but you know i could tell about half an hour an hour after the drugs that they’d kicked in you know i i went into the shower feeling a bit about my normal old self i went into the shower feeling a little bit anxious and came out of the

Shower feeling mellow and chilled out which i think normal people might actually just have that from showers and buffs anyway i’m sorry yeah more tomorrow well it’s day four of caffeine withdrawal and i’m starting to get the hang of this um yeah so four days of taking the medication and i i suppose i just feel hollowed out that’s the best way to describe it

That there were so many thoughts racing through my head and now they’re not the inside of my head is quiet and that’s a really really weird thing for me i suppose that’s why i say i feel hollow is because i feel like there’s something missing it’s not really something i can put my finger on but you know i feel like part of me is not there anymore and it’s not

Necessarily a good part it’s not necessarily something i want back it’s just really really disconcerting at the moment um everything feels just slightly off like trying to drive a new car or something like that or new shoes just that that feeling that something you were so used to is now gone and you need to adjust so yeah at the moment i’m adjusting so yeah

Day four i made this day for and not really suffered too badly apart from that disconcerting feeling of everything slightly off you

Transcribed from video
My ADHD Diagnosis || Methylphenidate Diary By Tired Body Wired Mind