January 27, 2023

its been an emotional rollercoaster, let me tell you that…

If you wonder if i hate you i do shitty of you to make me feel just like this what i would do to make you feel just like this and if you wonder if i hate you you friends family random people who found me on the internet welcome to my channel sorry today we’re going to talk about adhd medication the spicy stuff sorry june of this year i was diagnosed with adhd

At 19 no not 19 i’m 19 right now at 18 years old and i started medication in july so i have like august no july august september november beginning of december four five months of experience with medication so i will talk a bit about how my adhd medication journey has been and what my dose has been what has changed that kind of stuff you can find the timestamps

In the description or you can look at the chapters in the video and yeah let’s get into it so i started medication somewhere in june and i started with a very low dose because usually they let you start off with like a low dose and then they add to it as you go along what do you do don’t eat the plants so my started dose was five milligrams two times a day

So in total i would take 10 milligrams a day um if you don’t have any knowledge on medication this is a very very low dose usually people take about wait i don’t know what the average dose is actually what is the average adhd medication dose oh look at that all my tabs of my obsession with crystals are still open i sense that my hyper focus has awakened well i

Should say reawakened um what was i looking what was i looking up so the average dose of my type of medication methylphenidate or methylphase i don’t know where to put the emphasis in that word so the average dose of that is 10 to 20 milligrams a day i can already tell that this video is going to be so all over the place and so chaotic so i took five milligrams

Two times a day and i didn’t really feel anything of it um i noticed that my adhd symptoms got kind of worse in the beginning and that made me really dab my diagnosis because i was like if i have these types of effects because of the medication then probably i don’t have adhd because this is how people who don’t have adhd react to this type of medication so i

Was experiencing being extra hyperactive in the sense that i was talking a lot when i took my medication so i was really scared that i did not have adhd like the imposter syndrome was very much there and i was still forgetful i was still messy i was still like not very you know i was still very adhd if not more adhd so i was really scared that i actually did not

Have adhd and i was just taking these drugs that was just like getting addicted to drugs i was i was really scared i was really scared in the beginning the imposter syndrome was very real it was very intense and yeah i still feel like an imposter sometimes it’s great it’s a lifestyle it’s a lifestyle i’d rather not live but i guess we can’t have it all now can

We anyways i very quickly realized that five milligrams did nothing these symptoms of feeling extra hyperactive and extra adhd only lasted like the first two days i took the medication and after that nothing happened anymore i was just the same basically so then a month went by and i used this medication this dose and then i went to the doctor again because i

Have an appointment every month and in this appointed me and my doctor decided that i would up my dough so i took two pills of 10 milligrams a day at this point so before this it was two times five milligrams now it’s two times 10 milligrams yeah in the beginning it was like fine but then suddenly this thing happened where i got really nervous when they took

This medication not really nervous but like sometimes i would get palpitations and i would just feel really restless i was also very sad because the medication didn’t fix my adhd because medication can only do so much it will not take away your adhd symptoms and on top of that you shouldn’t really think of your adhd symptoms at things that should be fixed or

You know or you know repaired you know you’re a complete person you’re fine you do not have to be fixed but you know me of like two three months ago i did not think this way i thought this medication would take away everything that i hated about myself which turned out to be adhd but it very much did not it did not take away anything in the amount that i wanted

It to do that i was still very much adhd and i’m still at this point i’m also very much adhd but at that point of time i was in a different mindset i really wanted my adhd symptoms to like not be gone necessarily but to be i guess i wanted him to be gone damn okay did not really think about that before filming this video um anyway so i took the medication and

And then i got these weird side effects somewhere you know these palpitations feeling restless feeling nervous but to counter this there are also some things that i did enjoy about medication i know i said it did not take away my adhd symptoms and it very much did not but it did help me function better if that makes sense so i was able to focus better and i was

Able to get done and sometimes i would get in this zone where i was just so focused on something that everything around me disappeared not in a hyper focused way but in a just i’m concentrated way another thing that i did enjoy about this dive’s medication is that my brain just felt silent sometimes sometimes i just had no thoughts and that made me so happy

That i just literally wanted to cry if that makes sense i was like do people get this clarity for free things were silent for the very first time ever just actually silent i cannot describe the feeling of things being silent to you because you have to experience it yourself just makes you realize how overwhelmed you can get by your own mind adhd brains cool so

Much thoughts so much to go through your mind and you can already get tired from that and already get overwhelmed from that when i took the medication that was kind of eliminated sometimes and i want to put the emphasis on sometimes because this did not happen every time i took medication it was a thing that sometimes happened that was great it was amazing but

They’re also the shitty side effects really made me wonder whether i really wanted to take the medication or not because at this point i knew i functioned better when i took the medication but i also knew that i did not like the way the medication made me feel sometimes so in the summer i stopped taking it after a while because you know all of these negative side

Effects i didn’t really needed to focus on anything i didn’t need to function better because i did not have school or anything so i didn’t think it was necessary to take the medication plus i could also not sleep at night sometimes because i took the medication too late because i forgot to take it because i have adhd and i also was really scared of losing myself

And i noticed i got more quiet and everything because the medication makes you cool you know it’s a thing and i was just scared of losing myself and i did not sleep that well and i just felt shitty sometimes and i didn’t really need to focus so i was just like nah so i quit for a while and then school came around the new year begun you know university started

Again so much time to function again and i knew this was a thing so i started medication like a week before school started because i thought i needed that week to prepare for the first week of university because i’m just usually very slow with reading stuff with doing stuff and i also just wanted to get back in the groove you know i’ve taken the medication so i

Did that and then suddenly the palpitations the restlessness the borderline panic attacks returned but this time they returned very intense so the first time i experienced these types of symptoms of course it was not nice but they stopped after like 30 minutes okay it was only because the medication needed to start working that that happened but for the rest of

The day it was gone this time this time around it did not leave i experienced these shitty symptoms for the entire day i was just getting so scared depressed almost because i wanted medication to work for me i wanted it to make me feel good and i felt like it just did not do it for me and that just made me you know very sad and on top of that i also had classes

In the evening so from five to seven and my medication did not work anymore from five to seven so the rebound thing that happens when your adhd symptoms get even worse when your medication stops working that happened during that class so i could not focus for the life of me but i also experienced these shitty symptoms like palpitations nervousness restlessness

All that i experienced that during classes as well and especially when i was already nervous then this medication just skyrocketed that and made me feel like so anxious so i talked to my doctor about this and the joke of it all was that everything of these symptoms that like these shitty things i made that worse myself i am not diagnosed with anxiety i do not

Have anxiety as far as i know but these symptoms because i was so anxious about them at some point they just got worse and worse and because i was like oh my goodness i have palpitations but if my heart just i get what if i get a heart attack what if i just like die or what if my blood pressure goes up like a million what if i just die basically what if i just

Die and also of course the everlasting thought of i do not actually have adhd because i experience these things and these things would only be experienced by people who don’t have adhd who take adhd medication so i went to my doctor to talk to him about all of this and also about not being able to focus in the evenings and my doctor like it’s so dumb because

As soon as he told me that this was all normal and this was something everyone experienced it was gone everything was gone palpitations gone nervousness gone restlessness gone everything was gone anyway so my anxiousness just made everything worse i did not have to feel those things i just made myself believe that those things were like a thing so i made myself

Very anxious for no reason isn’t that amazing that is the epiphany of clownery i feel like such a clown like was my imposter syndrome so bad that i made myself believe that i did not have adhd so i would feel these things i don’t understand um and we also up my dice so up until this point i was taking 20 milligrams in total a day and now we’re going to up it

To 30 milligrams and that would mean i would take three pills during the day usually i would take two but now i would take three so i could also focus in the evenings so after this conversation with my doctor my shitty symptoms went away and i was actually able to focus during the day what so this was everything i was doing great i was doing amazing i was getting

Done i was getting things done quickly i was less drained after a day it was amazing it was like one of the first times ever that when i was in a class i wasn’t like that i would look at for instance like the cup my teacher was holding to drink her coffee and was like oh that cup is yellow yellow reminds me of this that reminds me of this and you know then i was

Not paying attention anymore that wasn’t the case anymore i was paying attention i could hear everything she said i was like damn this is what people get for free some things i did experience which were less noise is that after medication stopped working i would just get a little bit sad so i would just be sad for like half an hour an hour for no reason if you

Experience that on a daily basis it’s just not great but anyways that kind of stopped after a while or i got used to it i never know i never know if things stop when i take medication or i just get used to it i genuinely don’t i also suddenly got like energy bursts at 11 pm at night but i usually get energy bursts as delivered at night but these type of energy

Bursts they were like way up there usually my parents would already notice my energy bursts but now it’s just like to the point that when i would say goodbye to my dad to go to sleep at 11 pm i would suddenly go to sleep at like 12 30 you know it’s just or 1am because i was constantly talking to him and just endlessly talking to him and then i just feel like

I can’t stop talking and that is annoying because i could not control myself anyone just kept kept talking and that just happened a lot after medication stopped working because you have to rebound not great so that was that and then suddenly after this like period of glory um the downfall happened because my medication stopped working for me i don’t like it

Either i was sad about this because you know i felt like if i was going to up my doors now then i would just get in this constant spiral of just you know upping my door since ellie would be at the max you know i was just scared of that so me and my doctor decided i would say like one month on the same dose and then i would take it when i needed to take it and

Stop taking it when i did not need to take it um this semi worked sometimes but not that much things basically stay the same okay they basically say sometimes i had a moment where suddenly i was able to focus sometimes suddenly when i would take my second pill of the day i would just feel silence it did not happen much it may be happened like two or three times

In the entire month that i was trying this just keep that in mind but then suddenly things would go silent and then i’d be like oh this is why i take the medication the crying because i felt so happy feeling came back and i was like and then i went back to my doctor a month after and then we decided i would up my dose so now we are kind of almost caught up to

The present because i still take this dose this appointment of my dose is the last doctor’s appointment that i have had you know in recent history so now my dose is 40 milligrams a day so i will take two pills of 10 milligrams in the morning and then i will take another one during the day and then i’ll take another one during the day so i would be able to focus

During the entire day house has made a difference i think so for some reason i never feel anything of medication in the morning i just don’t know why if i feel something from the medication it’s in the afternoon don’t know why don’t ask me why i really don’t know now i do have more moments to focus and more moments of brain silence so that is nice i guess it

Mostly helps me with concentration and it also calms me down a little bit because as many people like to point out to me when i tell them that i have adhd i’m not the most hyperactive kind of adhd out there my hyperactivity symptoms are you know mostly touching my hair constantly i can assure you if you watch this video you’re gonna see me touch my hair constantly

Gonna see me touch my earrings doing this the entire time that is a form of hyperactivity i also talk endlessly when you let me i will talk forever if you let me and also if i have a drop of alcohol in my system these things that i told myself about boundaries that i need to stop myself from talking constantly because other people don’t like it those things

Go away so medication does make me more calm in a sense that i just talk less if that makes sense you know i’m just a little bit more chill another thing that i have experienced with this medication dose and also sometimes with other doses of medications that i can handle stimuli better not in a sense that i would just hate stimuli without medication it’s more

Like differentiating between stimuli so i take medication i can kind of shut out things better of course there are also things that are annoying about this type of medication and this dose for instance now that i take more medication during the day i notice that my rebound at night it is something else it is intense i can tell you that my parents will tell you

That everyone around me will tell you that like i said nobody thinks of me as a typical hyperactive adhd i don’t think of myself as a typical hyperactive adhd i do have the mixed type of adhd by the way but when my medication stops working it just through the roof i will talk endlessly i will talk loud i would just be very present at all times when my medication

Stopped working i also had a meeting with one of my groups of my student association somewhere this week and that was around the time that my medication stopped working and i just could not hear a word people said i was impulsively interrupting people i was talking about that did not matter endlessly i was just very hyperactive i was very adhd and i really noticed

It about myself but i could not stop it i just noticed what was happening and i just could not do anything about it but i felt like it was annoying people so the rebound is way more intense with this story the sadness part of the rebound has gone away it’s just hyperactivity impulsiveness inattentiveness so now you’re up today to my medication story because now

We’re in the present this is still my dose these are still the things that i experience something else that i really want to note like very quickly because i did nothing to say during the video but it is a very important side effect of this medication and that is loss of appetite it’s a very like widely experienced side effect it is still a very intense side so

When i started dedicating medication even before that i did not have much of an appetite i noticed i lost my appetite so i was already forcing myself to eat during the day because i just did not feel like eating and i also forgot to eat because you know adhd but when i took my medication instead of me thinking i really don’t feel like eating but i’m gonna force

Myself to eat it i was like feeling actual repulsiveness when it came to food i was like as soon as i thought of food i wanted to throw up i was nauseous every time i tried to eat something i would get nauseous you know loss of appetite is not a easy thing to deal with when it comes to adhd medication it is a very important side effect to note and it’s a very

Widely experienced one so yeah do you really want to say that because laws of appetite is no joke it’s really not a joke so that was the video i was actually planning on also doing the pros and cons of medication in this video but this is already way too long so i’m not going to do that i didn’t think i had that much to say about medication and probably still

Forgot like a lot of things um rebound has kicked in i don’t know if you’ve noticed during this video but my rebound slowly started to like kick in a little bit do you hear my brother singing on the background if so you’re probably gonna hear him seeing the entire video that is that if you’re thinking about taking medication just give it a shot just give it a

Shot see what it will do um there are people in your environment who are telling you you will just be addicted to this medication you know please tell them adhd medication is not something you will get addicted to it is something you need to function just like someone who has a condition on their liver or something like that needs some type of medication to help

With that okay it’s no different don’t shame others for taking the medication and especially don’t shame yourself anyways thank you so much for watching the video if you enjoyed it give it a thumbs up subscribe do your thing do whatever you want also leave a comment because i love reading comments and i love reading about your like diagnosis process and seeing

Where you’re at i love reading about those things so yeah that’s that and i’ll see you in the next one peace i feel like this is gonna be a long video and i i think i forgot to mention like a ton of and i also think i sound very negative in this video about medication i i like my medication okay um anyways bye

Transcribed from video
my experience with ADHD medication (methylphenidate) By Inci Meijer