January 26, 2023

I think it’s important to show a perspective of a QTPOC taking anti-depressants. i’ve been seeing a lot of videos from white folks which is fine but just wanting to throw my experience into the mix. Also there’s so much stigma against using prescribed medication but sometimes WOO & herbs just don’t work…

Hey youtube so not going to lie i think i made this video about two other times uh both times got interrupted and i also kept moving my video um my laptop around so i think i’m a lot more careful in terms of i don’t have any editing tools on my computer i just want to make one straight video um get the joke never mind that was really bad um and just kind of upload

It on youtube as fast as possible i wanted to give you an update so this sounds more rehearsed i guess um not like most of my videos where i blabber and forget all the things i wanted to say so that’s really nice um so i’m going to do an update um on being on celexa for a little over two weeks um two weeks is the point where on most websites um say that you will

Feel some real effects after two weeks which is ironic because after one week i felt a lot of effects and i was very positive in the first initial week and so i am going to update um you guys on the second week and i also wanted to plug in really quick um i appreciated all the messages i got off of tumblr and comments off of youtube in terms of um thanking me for

Opening up around using antidepressants um especially within the queer community and sharing that publicly which is ironic because i’ve told many friends but not all and not most people don’t watch my youtube videos so it’s only so public if that makes sense um but yeah i feel that it’s necessary to seek community um because in a way it’s my way of seeking out

Community from from you guys from people who do use antidepressants and or celexa that’s more specific um so that we don’t feel alone in this process because it feels um it feels like it’s going to be a process so um i just wanted to thank you guys for reaching out and um continue to do so and i feel like i’m going to update as much as i can until it feels like

I can’t um so it just really depends so this is my second week um um i also wanted to let you guys know i’m also going to put this on the video that there’s going to be a trigger warning around suicide so just so you know okay so second week um i feel somewhat more grounded i feel like my high points are usually from five to nine pm where my energy’s like hyped

Up and this is after a few hours from digesting my one tablet and i had a consultation over the phone with my physician and she has upped me to 1.5 tablets starting next monday um so it’s close to three weeks i guess um in a few days um being on antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills i would say some big changes that have happened um let’s start off with libido

I didn’t really talk about libido in the first video um my libido feels fine i’ve had intercourse once since the last time i videoed vlogged and i was kind of worried but i feel like it’s somewhat of the same thoughts and some of the same physical sensations so that’s good um i didn’t mention this in the first video but i feel very panicky like if a car like

Drives a little too fast and you can hear the pavement or if someone accidentally like falls or makes a thud or i’m just very jumpy like more jumpier than usual and my heart is just like racing if i get um even a little bit scared um so that’s something that i’ve noticed since day one is being more panicky and then kind of laughing it off but i don’t necessarily

Feel that it is a good symptom to have as far as heart disease that runs in my family so i don’t know that’s kind of an intense symptom of mine that’s happening um so yeah um just about yesterday i started having suicidal thoughts um it was very surreal having these thoughts because it’s been over 10 years since i’ve even fathomed the idea of killing myself

And it it was as if there was like a different perspective or different dialogue happening in my brain um one of the times that i thought about that was um i was working with my clients yesterday and we took a train and i had a moment of wanting to like hold on to the railing of the train to go with to go with the train and um yeah started thinking about like what

That would do to my body and then i took a long long shower last night and thought about holding something electronic and putting it into the bathtub so um not quite sure if that’s gonna be something that advances in terms of more thoughts i’m hoping it was just like an off day but i don’t know um that’s kind of worrying me a little bit um because that’s not

Something i’m prone to think about as far as um yeah and then i also had like high anxiety at night for some reason um the thing that i have been doing which i don’t ever advise and you know all of this is just all hearsay but um i’ve been asked to take anti-anxiety medication because of how much more anxiety there’s gonna be in the first couple weeks and then

Supposedly it’s supposed to come calm down a bit um i have been holding off on taking anti-anxiety pills and i really shouldn’t from now on because i was really hard for me to sleep i thought someone was like breaking into my house those it was not happening but um yeah i think i feel a little too proud to use anti-anxiety medication which is ironic because

I’m using anti-depression medication uh but it feels a little different taking more pills on top of the pills i’m already taking so um that’s something like internally that i need to figure out because it’s um it’s hard having anxiety on top of um feeling a little more i feel contained which feels great my thoughts feel contained things feel doable things feel

Grasp graspable like i can like feel my like depression and anxiety like in here um so that feels good because before it was like the universe um yeah um my speech feels different um i feel like i think about things a little harder i don’t remember anything oh my god if i don’t write anything down i’m not gonna remember it which is really unfortunate because

I always was proud of myself for being someone who remembered like little details from like years ago um that’s not gonna happen ever again at least that i know of um so i’ve been really been active on my planner really been active on writing things down in terms of scheduling hangouts i kind of will forget um not intentionally of course yeah um i guess all

In all it’s it’s it feels like a shift i think initially my first week i was very excited and optimistic and though i still am um i do feel somewhat more um a little more careful feeling a little more guarded um and as far as i know that’s okay to feel a little guarded right now um anyways that’s my update on two weeks like i said i encourage anyone to find

Community through either the comment section or message me on tumblr it’s nice to know that we’re not alone um i always felt really strongly about online community um being somewhat like of an anonymous support group and that feels really nice um anyways bye

Transcribed from video
QTPOC taking Citalopram (Celexa)… WEEK 2-3 ***TW:SUICIDE CONTENT*** By tenderboy